This Is Me
by CoralinaPlantain
Summary: Post 10x12: Arizona has been having this weird feeling during the whole day and after her breakdown with Kepner she decides it's time to sit and talk. Can Callie and Arizona have a conversation without picking up a fight?


AN: Callie and Arizona think they shouldn't talk as much, but after the mid season finale it was clear for us that they DO need to talk. Unfortunately we have to wait until March to see if that's going to happen on the show. This issue was in my mind and the only way I could get it out was by writing it down, so I did and here it is, I hope you like it.

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_ARIZONA'S POV_

It was of those rare days where it doesn't rain in Seattle. There weren't any clouds in the sky. It was what you could call the perfect day.

Or not…

April's wedding was beautiful… I mean, it had everything required to be beautiful, perfect even, but in the middle of the ceremony Jackson decided to tell her he loved her and that he knew she loved him too… which was true because she called off the wedding. Yep, that's right, the wedding didn't happen.

But that was a few hours ago. Now I'm in my apartment sitting on my couch thinking about this weird feeling that I've been having all day, a feeling that made me breakdown in front of April on her wedding day. I don't think she liked that too much but right now with all that has happened she won't even remember.

"She's asleep." Callie said as she came back from Sofia's room. "The nanny said she could put her down for the night but I'm the one who always does that, I think I'd be a little jealous."

"Yeah, I think you would." I said with a weak laugh.

"So, I think now we can celebrate…" She said with that bright smile, the smile that made me fall over heels for her.

"Callie, I don't think it's a good idea, we have nothing to celebrate the wed-"

"What do you mean we don't?" She said, now wearing a shocked expression that replaced the smile. "The wedding didn't happen but I told you we weren't just going to celebrate that… I mean… my research Arizona. That's what we have to celebrate, it's working and I'm on fire about that… and its all thanks to you because you were my inspiration."

"Yeah, I was…"

It was in this moment that that weird feeling came back, stronger than ever, and I couldn't help the tears. I don't even know how I still have any tears left in me, I've been crying the whole day.

"Hey," She said as she took the seat next to mine. "It's not bad, this isn't a bad thing." She wiped dry the tears that rolled down my face.

"Callie we need to talk." I said in a whisper. "But I mean talk, for real, not fight. Every time we try to talk we ended up fighting but right now I really need to talk."

"Okay…" She said with those concerned brown eyes she has. "The tears today weren't because of the wedding, right?" I just nodded. "Okay… then tell me what it is."

I sucked in a deep breath, it was now or never. "For the first time, in a long…very long time, I was starting to feel like myself again. I know-I know I am not going to be like I was before. Ever. But I was starting to accept this…my…condition." Eh, maybe not the best word, but it's all I could come up with. I continued on. "I was happy. I had my family back and it was all I wanted." I gave her a second to take in my words before I went on. "Callie, I don't w-want you to get me wrong, please don't get me wrong. I am h-happy about your research, that this is working but- but…" I couldn't finish my thoughts and my sobs took over the quiet apartment. I felt as if someone was crushing my heart slowly. And believe me when I say that it hurts.

"You don't like it." She said.

"No! No…" I took a deep breath to compose myself. "I do, I think that what you're doing is beautiful…it's great. It'll help so many people and I'm happy, I'm proud of you...it's just this feeling, this feeling inside me that won't let me be excited about it." I stopped to see if she was still paying attention or if she was demonstrating any signs that this would be the turning point into an argument, but nothing but silence came from her so I plowed on. "I can't help this feeling that you're trying to fix me, to make me be something I can't be anymore."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You knew me before, Callie. The perky girl who used to wear Heelys to work, the girl who was all smiles all the time. That's the woman you fell in love with, that's the woman you married. I'm no longer that woman. I'll never be that woman again. I started feeling better with myself because I have to… I have to deal with it every day for the rest of my life, when I look at myself in the mirror, this," I said as I pointed to my body, "Is what I see."

Nothing but silence.

I took another deep breath, "You're trying so hard to make our relationship work, you're trying so hard to make me feel happy, you're trying so hard to make this research work… and that is what I love about you. You work so- so hard for things. You put others first, never yourself…"

"I don't understand where you're going with this."

"I'm saying that I can see you trying to fix me. This is who I am now and I can't change, I would if I could… if I could go back in time I would never have gotten on that plane…but I just can't, I c-can't change this." I swallowed, this is the moment where I have to give her my point, where I'll say what I wanted to say since I started this conversation, it may break my heart… actually I'm sure it'll break my heart but I have to do this. "I'm offering you a way out of this. If you're not happy, if this isn't what you want…I'm offering you a way out."

_CALLIE'S POV_

I couldn't believe her words. _'Way out?' _I don't want a way out. I want to make this work, I am working hard to make this work.

"Way out of this?" I repeated her words. "I don't want a way out of this… how- I want to make this work, I-I want to be with you… there's nowhere else to go, there's nowhere else that I want to be. Sofia is here, you're here… you're my family, Arizona." I started getting a little nervous.

"Callie-" She tried to speak but I didn't let her.

"No, I heard what you had to say now it's my turn." She just nodded so I started talking again. "I don't want you to think I'm trying to fix you… I am not trying to fix you. I'm not trying to fix you because I don't see anything that needs fixing. My research? It isn't for me, it's for you. But not because you need fixing, but because I wanted you to feel good about yourself. I wanted you to be happy."

"I was happy, Callie. I am happy." She said with a sob. "I just… I was being a b*** to you, you were the one that wasn't happy and I understand that."

"Arizona… when will you understand that you are my happiness?" I said as I wiped away her tears with my thumb. "You want to know when I wasn't happy? I wasn't happy when I found out about the cheating, I wasn't happy when I kicked you out and you had to live in a hotel room. God, I wasn't happy when I was sat in that courtroom being judged by people that I had never seen in my life. I wasn't happy when I failed…when I couldn't save your leg. Those, were the moments where I wasn't happy."

"I never stopped asking myself why I did that… cheat on you." She let out a pained laugh. "I-I still don't know… maybe it was bec-"

"Arizona, we're not talking about this anymore. I forgave you, I might never understand why you did that but I stopped asking myself that question and I think you should too. It won't bring either of us any good. You made one mistake and so did I. We both did things that we'll regret maybe for the rest of our lives but now it's in the past. Like you said we can't change things… so we might as well not think too much about it."

"I stopped blaming you a long time ago…" She said looking into my eyes. "You didn't fail, you're a great surgeon, the best orthopedic surgeon in the world-"

"Okay, you don't need to exaggerate."

"I'm not. When that shooting happened you said I was the best pediatric surgeon in the world… and I enjoyed listening that. Now do, you really think that THE best pediatric surgeon in the world would marry any orthopedic surgeon?" She said with a playful tone. I think she's right, she's starting to become herself again, her perkiness is starting to shine through. I smiled a little as she continued. "I understand what happened, you were ready to try but my body didn't give you enough time." Her tone became serious again. "You did what you had to do and you stayed by my side all the time, you didn't run away."

"Of course I wouldn't run away, you're my wife. I love you." I approached her on the couch and wrapped my arms around her. "I love everything about you."

"I love you too." She said with this calm tone that only she had.

"I'll understand if you don't want to try my procedure when it's done. I won't be mad, I'll be helping other people. I don't want you to do this just because of me." I said placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"Thank you, Callie."

"You don't need to thank me. That's what we do for the people we love."

"No, it's not just that… thank you for not giving up on me."

"I wouldn't do that… do you really think I'd give you to that line of women who are lining for you? No way."

"I wonder if that line still exists." She said as she placed her head on my shoulder. "Not that I'm interested though…" She said trying to correct herself.

"Uh hum…" I said giving her a funny look. "Of course that that line still exists, I mean… you're hot."

"Umm… you really think so?" She had this smirk on her face.

"I do…"

Silence once again took over the room, the only sound that could be heard were Sofia's little snores coming from the baby monitor.

It was a good moment and I'm happy we could talk without fighting… I'm happy she finally opened up, that she said what she was feeling. This was a big step.

"It was a shame, you know…" She said while playing with my fingers. "That the wedding didn't happen. April spent months planning it and she was so, so beautiful…"

"If you say so…"

"If I say so? What do you mean, 'If I say so'?" She said with this confused look.

"If you say she was beautiful, I believe you."

"You were there. You saw her."

"Yeah but I wasn't really paying attention to her. There was this beautiful blue eyed blonde at the altar and I just couldn't stop staring at her."

"Calliope!" She reprimanded, landing a little punch on my arm.

"Ouch… don't punch me, I'm serious." I said laughing.

"You're amazing." She said staring into my eyes. I could see her blue orbs shining and I'm pretty sure I could get lost in them in this exact moment.

"What do you think about celebrating another day…I have a better plan for now."

"And can you tell me what plan this is?"

"I was wondering that we could stay like this all night." I said as I wrapped my arms a little tighter around her.

"Um.. like this… I like this plan."

"Uhum, I knew you would…"

And this was how we spent the rest of the night, resting on each other's arms, lost in our own little world. Things are finally starting to work.

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AN2: Well, that's it. Let's hope thay something like this happens. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think?

Also, thanks MaybeIShouldGetACat for beta-ing ;)


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